Do Japanese children with selective mutism show their symptoms later?

Comparing researches on selective mutism in Japan with that in Western countries, I found that there are differences in age of onset. Reported average age of onset in Japan is higher than that in Western countries. In Japan, average age of onset is about 5 years old. On the other hand, in Western countries, average age of onset is about 3 years old.

There are a small number of researches that report age of onset, so it may be premature to conclude that Japanese children with selective mutism show their symptoms later. But I'm curious about the difference.

[The average age of onset of SM and SM literature]

Here are major researches that report the age of onset of selective mutism. Regrettably, I can't collect all reports.

I write the average and standard deviation of age of onset here as possible. But some researches doesn't report them. In that case, I calculate them. And in some cases, the age of onset are reported to be a-b years. (e.g. 3-5 years). In that case, I regard it a+b/2 years (e.g. 4 years).

[Points keep in mind when comparing the age of onset]

* Diagnostic criteria

There are many studies on selective mutism, but old researches, especially Japanese ones, tend to use various diagnostic criteria. On the other hand, recent researches, especially Western ones, tend to use standardized diagnostic criteria, such as DSM and ICD. So, it is difficult to make a simple comparison of them.

* Subjects

The average age of onset depend on subjects. For instance, like Elizur et al. (2003), the average age of onset can't be old if children were recruited from preschools. On the other hand, like Minami et al. (1987) or Ichitani et al. (1973), the average age of onset can be older if children were recruited from child consultation centers which aim at children under 18 years.

[SM literature in Japan]

* Shiina et al., 1998

The average age of onset is 4.9 years. 38 out of 46 cases presented symptoms from 2 to 7 years. The data is based on case studies published from 1980 to 1996.

* Souma, 1991

25 out of 35 cases presented symptoms before they enroll in elementary school. The data is based on case studies published from 1980 to 1989.

* Minami et al., 1987

The average age of onset is 5.0 and standard deviation is 2.3 except 2 unclear cases. 28 cases showed their symptoms first in their childhood (3-5 years). 3 cases showed their symptoms first when they were in elementary school (6-11 years). 2 cases showed their symptoms first at puberty (after age 12). 1 case was unclear. The data is based on patients who receive medical consultation at Kyoto City child consultation center from fiscal 1960 to 1987.

* Muramoto, 1983

Out of 17 cases, the average age of onset is 6.4 years and standard deviation is 2.8 years. 3 cases were 3 years. 2 cases were 4 years. 2 cases were 5 years. 3 cases were 6 years. 2 cases were 7 years. 1 case were 8 years. 1 case was 11 years. 1 case was 13 years. The data is based on questionnaire survey conducted at public elementary and junior high schools in Kamikawa, Hokkaido, northern Japan.

* Oi et al., 1979

Out of 24 cases, the average age of onset is 3.8 years and standard deviation is 0.8 years except 1 unclear case. 9 cases were 3 years. 10 cases were 4 years. 3 cases were 5 years. 1 case was 6 years. The data is based on patients Oi was related to intensively at child psychiatry clinic at Nagoya University and Kusunoki Gakuen, a residential treatment center for emotionally disturbed children.

* Araki, 1979

Out of 34 cases, the average age of onset is 5.9 years and standard deviation is 2.2 years. 1 case was 2 years. 2 cases were 3 years. 6 cases were 4 years. 7 cases were 5 years. 11 cases were 6 years. 1 case was 7-8 years. 6 cases were 9-11 years. The data is based on patients who visited department of psychiatry at Kyushu University from 1963 to 1976.

* Ichitani et al., 1973

Out of 20 cases, the average age of onset is 5.4 years and standard deviation is 1.6 except 1 unclear case. 10 patients showed symptoms first when they started kindergartens or nursery schools. 5 patients showed symptoms first when they entered elementary schools. 4 patients showed symptoms first a few years after they entered elementary schools. 1 patient was unclear. The data is based on 20 elementary school students who visited Osaka City and Kyoto City child consultation centers and were diagnosed as selective mutism from May 1964 to December 1970.

[SM literature in Western countries (written in English)]

* Cunningham et al., 2004

Out of 52 cases, the average age of onset is 3.3 years. The age of onset ranged from 3 to 5. Children were diagnosed according to DSM-IV criteria. They were recruited over a period of 9 years from a regional service providing child assessments, school consultations, and workshops for parents and teachers.

* Elizuret et al., 2003

Out of 19 cases, the average age of onset was 3 years and 4 months. Onset was significantly earlier among native children (2.7 years) versus immigrant children (3.9 years). Children were recruited from West Jerusalem's obligatory and pre-obligatory state preschools. and diagnosed according to DSM-IV criteria.

* Remschmid et al., 2001

In 43 out of 45 cases, the first age of manifestation was three years. Only in two cases take, the first manifestation did place later. Children had been referred between 1964 and 1979 to the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (impatient and outpatient unit) and to the Child Guidance Clinic which works closely together with the department. They were diagnosed according to DSM-III-R criteria.

* Kristensen, 2000

Out of 54 cases, the average age of onset is 3.7 years and standard deviation is 1.7 years. Children were diagnosed according to DSM-IV criteria, but exclusion criteria for SM on Asperger's disorder and communication disorder were ignored to look for comorbidity. Children were recruited by mailing announcements to all 63 outpatient clinics for child and adolescent psychiatry and all 278 school psychology services in Norway.

* Dummit et al., 1997

Out of 54 cases, the average age of onset is 3.4 years and standard deviation is 1.3 years. Children were diagnosed according to DSM-IV criteria. They were recruited through advertising and referral from local schools and the Selective Mutism Foundation.

* Steinhausen et al., 1996

Out of 100 cases, the average age of onset is 49.5 months and standard deviation is 32.5 months. In the SHG sample, the average age of onset is 43.9 months and standard deviation is 26.3 months. In the ZH sample, the average age of onset is 45.8 months and standard deviation is 25.5 months. In the B sample, the average age of onset is 63.9 months and standard deviation is 52.4 months. Children were diagnosed according to ICD-10 criteria.

SHG sample (n = 19) was personally assessed by the senior author in 1992 and 1993 because of personal contacts with a parents' self-help group that had been formed in the German-speaking cantons of Switzerland. ZH sample (n = 59) was seen between 1979 and 1992 in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Service of Canton of Zurich. B sample (n = 22) represents the entire group of electively mute children who were identified in the case files of the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the Free University of Berlin.

* Black et al., 1995

Out of 30 cases, the average age of onset is 2.7 years and standard deviation is 1.4 years (range: 1 through 5 years). All children satisfied the diagnostic criteria for both DSM-III-R and DSM-IV.

* Black et al., 1981

unclear.

* Hayden 1980

Sorry, I dont't understand the age of onset reported in the paper.

* Wergeland, 1979

All patients (n = 11) represented symptoms at 3 - 4 years. The age at which they were referred varied from 6 to 11 years with an average of 9 1/2 years. One of the children was referred by kindergarten staff, the other 10 by the school authorities.

Index of SM in Japan

Selective Mutism in the media (Japan)

Selective mutism is sometimes featured in the media in English-speaking countries. For example, in America, the big three networks (ABC, CBS, NBC) all have featured selective mutism. In the UK, Channel 4 has featured selective mutism. In addition to the TV media, newspapers (e.g. The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Times, The Guardian, etc.) and magazines (e.g. TIME, People, etc.) also have featured the anxiety disorder.

But when it comes to the Japanese media, I seldom heard such things. As far as I know, Yomiuri Shimbun, the largest newspaper circulation in the world, featured selective mutism in 1986 and 1988. In 1988 NHK, Japan's national public broadcasting organization, also featured it. Major Japanese media featured selective mutism in the late 80's, because Minoru Yamamoto, a professor at Yamagata University, published books about selective mutism then. But except for that period, the term "selective mutism (Bamen Kanmoku in Japanese)" rarely appeared in the Japanese media.

Recently however, local editions of Japanese major newspapers featured selective mutism. The Asahi Shimbun (2008), The Mainichi Shimbun (2009) and The Chunichi Shimbun (2009) featured selective mutism. In every case Knet, a Japanese selective mutism support group established in 2007, was involved. In addition to that, The Chugoku Shimbun (October 7th 2009) featured selective mutism in response to a request from a former sufferer of selective mutism. And The Asahi Shimbun (2007) printed a contribution from a reader who appealed for help to children with selective mutism.

There seem to be a growing consciousness among Japanese people involved in selective mutism that awareness of selective mutism should be raised, so they encourage the media to feature the anxiety disorder.

Index of SM in Japan

Study was everything

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 5 Selective mutism and my high school years

Study was everything

* * * * * * * * * *

[Which colleges we wanted to apply to ?]

When I was a sophomore in high school, one day our school had us take a nationwide practice entrance exam.

Before we took the exam, we were required to write which colleges we wanted to apply to on prescribed forms. After the exam, the organizer of the exam showed us possibilities that we pass the entrance exams for colleges we wanted to apply to on the basis of data obtained by the exam.

I also wrote my preferred colleges on a prescribed form. I wrote three colleges. A college, B college and C college. But after I submitted the paper, my homeroom teacher called me into a teachers' room. She asked me why I wrote the name of C college. She said she couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the name of the college. According to her, C college had bad reputation, and most alumni of our high school who went to C colleges were ones with very low academic achievement. "I can't understand why did student like you write such college's name?"

From what she saw, I underestimated me. But from what I saw, she overestimated me.

I went through similar experience when I was the 5th grade. My homeroom teacher thought highly of me. But I had the opposite view (see "My self-evaluation").

Did she misunderstood me because I spoke nothing? Did selective mutism affect my self-esteem and cause me to underestimate myself?

[Study was everything]

Many students in my class studied hard to pass college entrance exams. Maybe because of that, there was an atmosphere in my class that study was everything. If student get high marks, he or she gains respect. Even if high-achievement students had some problems, their problems tended to be ignored.

My selective mutism didn't disappeared completely then. But I studied hard to pass college entrance exams rather than tried to overcome my anxiety disorder. As a result, I got high marks in regular exams. My classmates showed respect for me. My homeroom teacher also thought highly of me. I had only to study.

(To be continued)

Index of SM story

How to overcome selective mutism by myself (2)

I try to write how to overcome selective mutism by myself. But I recommend not trusting in what I write, because I am not a professional. In addition, I don't know whether this method is really effective.

[Principle]

I apply to the principle of behavior therapy. First, setting stepwise goals. Second, uttering words gradually.

[Concrete examples]

I'll explain my idea more concretely. Let's take school life for example.

* I spent my school years in Japan. So, I write an example based on my experience in Japanese schools. I'm sorry if what I write can't apply to schools in your country.*

As a first step, for instance, greet teachers and classmates. When I went to Japanese schools, schoolchildren and students had to greet teachers. If your school require you to do so, it might be a good opportunity. Even if your school don't, I think it's a way to take a first step to overcome fear of speaking. Of course, it's not easy for mute children to greet people. So, at first, whisper to teachers and classmates good morning or good bye. Repeating the process increase the chance of greeting teachers and classmates in a loud voice.

As a second step, for instance, utter words loudly as possible as you can in class when you are called on by teachers. Some Japanese former sufferers say they could manage to read textbooks in class when they were called on by their teachers and asked to read textbooks. I guess such experiences helped them to lower their anxiety of speaking.

As a third step, for instance, try to talk with familiar classmates. If you can do that, try to talk with unfamiliar people gradually.

I refer to a study on selective mutism (Uchiyama, 1959) to describe this method. Although it's an old study, the treatment principle has in common with Helping your child with selective mutism (2005).

[Points to Keep in Mind]

1 Try step by step

It's very difficult for children with selective mutism to chat with others. Chatting requires children to talk what they want to say in order. That's a very tall order for them. When I had selective mutism, I tried to do so but failed. So, I felt frustrated. But it's no wonder you fail if you try difficult thing at first.

But it's easier to use short formulaic expressions, such as good morning. Try the easiest thing first. Then, try more difficult things. The point is to try step by step.

2 Don't aim at perfection

Don't aim at perfection. Many children with selective mutism seem to be perfectionists.

3 Don't try too hard

Last, but not least, don't try too hard. Some Japanese SM current and former sufferers say they tried hard to overcome selective mutism, but that caused their conditions to worsen.

[limitation]

The first limitation of this method is difficulty in setting up suitable situations for speaking step by step by myself.

Another limitation is that it's time consuming.

[References]

Uchiyama, K. (1959). Studies on the childhood mutism 2 -therapeutic procedures- The Kitakanto Medical Journal, 9, 786-799.

How to overcome selective mutism by myself (1)

I've read many books that refer to treatment for selective mutism. But as far as I know, all of them are for parents, teachers, and professionals, not for current and former sufferers of selective mutism. I don't know why. But I suppose one possible reason is that professionals think selective mutism should be treated by parents, teachers, and professionals, not by themselves. Another reason is that publishers and professionals think many sufferers are young children who can't read difficult books.

Browsing Japanese websites, I sometimes find former sufferers who overcome selective mutism by themselves. Some former sufferers blame current sufferers who don't make enough effort to overcome selective mutism.

I also have had strong interest in how to overcome selective mutism without relying on other people for some reason. I don't know why, but I think Japanese sufferers tend to cope with their disorders by themselves (But at the same time, there are many sufferers who don't take actions to cope with their disorders).

So, I try to write how to overcome selective mutism by myself. But I recommend not trusting in what I write, because I am not a professional. In addition, I don't know whether this method is really effective.

(To be continued)

Must I overcome selective mutism?

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 5 Selective mutism and my high school years

Must I overcome selective mutism?

* * * * * * * * * *

[Regular exam]

My long-term goal was to enter a prestigious college. In order to achieve the goal, at the very least I had to get good grade in regular exam.

I achieved the goal to some extent. I was almost always second or third in my class (about 40 students were in my class). But I could hardly get the top marks. At the top was almost always A, the most beautiful girl in my class. So, one of my goal became to get higher mark than A in regular exam.

Before long A and I got acquainted with each other. I couldn't talk to A since I had selective mutism, but A talked to me. I made friends with her.

[Must I overcome selective mutism?]

When I was sophomore, I became a little wiser.

I wondered whether I should overcome selective mutism (I didn't know selective mutism at that time. I thought I couldn't speak because of my personality. So, to me, overcoming selective mutism meant changing my personality).

It may be odd, but many classmates and teachers had liked me because I had been mute. In addition, as I wrote earlier, I thought my mutism was an identity. So, it was fearful for me to overcome selective mutism. Disappearing mutism meant I lose my identity.

Anyway, I thought I could not afford to overcome selective mutism. I was very busy to study to pass the entrance exam for college.

(To be continued)

Index of SM story

Mutism identity

One Japanese psychiatrist proposed a concept "mutism identity" in his paper (Araki, 1979).

If children with selective mutism continue to be mute, some of them finally think living with mutism is a lifestyle they elect (mutism identity), for instance, "I decided to do nothing to creative until I got to be able to speak. (case 22)"

I can partly sympathize with him. When I had selective mutism, I gradually thought my mutism was an identity.

That was a hindrance for me to overcome my selective mutism, because suppose my mutism was an identity, disappearing mutism meant I lose my identity. So, it was fearful for me to overcome selective mutism.

But I didn't know selective mutism at that time. If I knew I didn't speak because I suffered from an anxiety disorder "selective mutism," maybe I didn't think my mutism was an identy. But I would have thought my mutism was a kind of mental illness that could be treated.

This is just my case. I don't know whether other children or young people with prolonged mutism also think mutism as their identity.

[Reference]

Araki, F. (1979). Some psychopathological observations on mutism originating in childhood. Japanese Journal of Child Psychiatry, 20(5), 290-304.

Index of SM in Japan

"Silent Children - Approaches to Selective Mutism" is translated into Japanese

Bamen kanmoku heno approach, a new Japanese book and DVD about selective mutism, was published on March 31.

The book is a collection of writings by many authors, such as Chair of Smira (Selective Mutism Information and Research Association), parents, a special education specialist, a professor emeritus at an university, and so on.

And the DVD accompanying the book is the first Japanese DVD devoted to selective mutism, as far as I know.

The book and DVD is a Japanese translation of Silent Children - Approaches to Selective Mutism, written and produced by SMIRA in conjunction with Leicester University Department of Education.

SMIRA is a UK based support group for children with selective mutism, their parents and so on.

* * * * * * * * * *

Also in Japan, there are two support groups established within a few years. Knet, one of them, translated Silent Children with the help of SMIRA.

Until recently, there was only one Japanese book written by professionals that made selective mutism the main theme. The book is Bamen Kanmokuji no Shinri to Shido (Psychology and guidance of children with selective mutism), published in 1994.

In 2007, a Canadian book Helping your child with selective mutism was translated into Japanese and published. Association of Selective Mutism in Japan, another support group in Japan, was concerned in the publication.

In 2008, Knet wrote Bamen kanmoku Q & A (What is Selective Mutism?).

Half of them is translation. I think that is because Japan have few know-how about selective mutism.

Index of SM in Japan

Teachers and classes (2)

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 5 Selective mutism and my high school years

Teachers and classes (2)

* * * * * * * * * *

[Japanese class]

There were two types of Japanese classes. One was contemporary writings. The other was classic literature. My homeroom teacher taught contemporary writings.

As in the case of English classes, teachers assigned us preparation. We had to solve problems about contemporary writings or translate classic language into current one. I did so and read answers and translations I thought in advance when I asked to do so by teachers in class.

[Japanese history class]

As in the case of English classes, keeping the habit of keeping eye contact with teachers, Japanese history teacher also found me and got close to me.

[A PE teacher]

I was surprised to see my PE teacher at the first PE lesson. I had once seen him when I was freshman in high school. He also remembered me.

In addition to selective muitsm, I had some complex. I was weak in sports. But he was interested in me and friendly talked me. He called me "Tomi-chan" with affection. I had not known such a PE teacher.

* chan is a Japanese suffix.
Japanese honorifics
(New window open)

One odd thing for me is that he sometimes talked about love when he talked to me. He sometimes talked about A, the most beautiful girl in my class. It seemed to me that he wanted me to be interested in the opposite sex. I guessed that he saw me as a boy who was deeply interested in study but not in girls. So, maybe he felt anxious for my future. I felt anxious in another way. I was not interested in A. If my classmates heard the conversation, they may think that I loved A. What is worse, if the classmates told A that Tomishige loved A, I was misunderstood even by A.

(To be continued)

Index of SM story

Teachers and classes (1)

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 5 Selective mutism and my high school years

Teachers and classes (1)

* * * * * * * * * *

Many teachers were concerned with me when I was sophomore. Homeroom teacher, English teacher, Japanese teacher, history teacher, mathematics teacher, etc.

I developed a good relationship with them.

I guessed almost all teachers saw me a hardworking students. In fact, I got high marks in regular exams.

[Homeroom teacher]

My homeroom teacher had a stern look on her face. At first I was afraid of her. But when I get to know her personality, I realized that I misunderstood her.

She seemed to be a veteran teacher. She know well how to lead students to study to pass entrance exams to the Universities.

[English class]

In my high school, there were two types of English lessons. One was reader (lessons in reading English). The other was grammar. In both classes, teachers translated English textbook into Japanese, solved problems in textbook, or explained English grammar.

Teachers assigned us preparation. We had to translate English into Japanese or solve problems in advance. So we did so and wrote translation and answers on our notebooks before English classes began. When teachers asked us to translate textbook or solve problems in class, we read our notebooks.

I also did so. Although I had selective mutism, I could read sentences written on books or notebooks in class in a low voice. In retrospect, that may have been a behavior therapy.

As I wrote earlier, I had been in the habit of keeping eye contact with teachers when I listened in class although I had selective mutism (see Han note, Eye contact, Majime).

Keeping the habit, an Engilsh grammar teacher found me and got close to me. Thanks to my habit of nodding, I could get acquainted with him although I hardly spoke.

(To be continued)

Index of SM story

Japanese culture and mutism

Japanese society indulge people who cannot speak well.

Fukuda, K. (1991). Hanashibeta Sayounara. Tokyo: Nippon Jitsugyo Publishing.

I differ from Mr. Fukuda in opinion, but I agree that Japanese society seems to be generous to mute people.

In some cases silence is even a virtue in Japan.

For instance, Ishin-denshin is a word that characterizes Japanese culture. When people can understand each other although they don't talk at all, that is Ishin-denshin. Traditionally, Japanese people have seen Ishin-denshin as a virtue.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ishin-denshin
(New window open)

One typical advice to Japanese people who are going to English spoken countries is that people in these countries don't understand what you think unless you say it definitely. Japanese people tend to think people guess what they think even if they say nothing.

A proverb "Silence is golden" is also famous among Japanese as Chinmoku ha kin. In addition, there is a similar proverb in Japan Kenja ha mokushite katarazu (Smart people don't speak).

Since Japanese society seems to be generous to mute people, maybe Japanese children with selective mutism don't have severe difficulties as those children in the West. In such society, fewer people view selective mutism as a problem. That may be one reason why fewer researchers study selective mutism in Japan.

But recently virtue of silence has been lost.

And as far as I read from Japanese websites about selective mutism, many former or current sufferers have troubled by the disorder.

Selective mutism is a severe problem also in Japan.

Index of SM in Japan

Hikikomori - Social withdrawal in Japan

I made a new blog. The theme of the blog is Hikikomori, not selective mutism.

Hikikomori - Social withdrawal in Japan

[What is Hikikomori?]

In a word, Hikikomori is a Japanese term that means social withdrawal in youth.

Hikikomori is a term that represents a condition. Not a clinical entity. The concept and diagnosis of Hikikiomori remains controversial. In a narrow sense, people with mental illnesses, especially schizophrenia and depression, are excluded from Hikikomori. In a broad sense, they are included.

Some say that over 1 million Japanese youth, especially young male, shut themselves in their houses or rooms. But, few Hikikomori people are reported in other countries. So, it is commonly believed that Hikikomori is a unique Japanese phenomenon.

Many Hikikomori people suffered from school refusal earlier in life. They continue refusing to go to school and become Hikikomori. Other Hikikomori people become Hikikomori after they quitted their jobs.

[selective mutism and Hikikomori]

Japanese literature on prognosis of selective mutism shows that some adolescents and adults who suffered (suffer) from selective mutism become Hikikomori. But little is known how many children with selective mutism become Hikikomori later.

Most children with selective mutism are comorbid with any anxiety disorder. The relationship to developmental disorders/delay is also pointed out. More or less, the same can be said for Hikikomori people. It is said that many Hikikomori people have any mental disorders, such as anxiety disorder, developmental disorder, depression, schizophrenia, etc.

Bias

Some current and former sufferers of selective mutism (and maybe their parents) think various things about selective mutism on the basis of their experiences.

For instance, "I suffered from severe depression as a lasting effect of selective mutism. So, selective mutism in general have severe lasting effects."

"I overcame my selective mutism by myself. So, Everyone can overcome selective mutism by themselves."

But it's impossible to generalize personal experience.

* * * * * * * * * *

View of selective mutism by current and former sufferers (and maybe their parents) may be biased.

Their views are limited. They know their symptoms in detail, but don't necessarily know others' well.

Some become emotional when it comes to selective mutism, because they experienced selective mutism. For instance, if someone say selective mutism is less common in adults than children, how do adults with selective mutism feel?

* * * * * * * * * *

I know the impossibility of generalizing personal experience. But I'm driven by emotion as well as reason. Deep down, I want to generalize my experiences to think selective mutism. But I should follow the dictates of reason.

Of course, if I collect many personal experiences, I may find something in common. That's induction.

Selective mutism and heredity

I learned of a project that collects DNA samples of parents of selectively mute children. The project is carried out by a research team from University of California.

Existing research literature suggests the heredity factors in selective mutism.

If it becomes clearer that heredity contributes to selective mutism, how will current or former selective mutism sufferers feel? If they get married, their children have the risk of suffering from selective mutism. Some current or former sufferers may hesitate to get married. Some may even hesitate to date with the opposite sex.

Parents may have mixed feeling. Some researchers, especially in Japan, have pointed out that parenting style is a major cause of selective mutism. So, some parents, especially mothers, have a guilty conscience about their parenting style. But if it becomes clearer that heredity contributes to selective mutism, they don't have to suffer from it as they used to do. But they may have another guilty conscience.

Even so, I expect the research team to study the relationship between selective mutism and heredity. I think it's important to elucidate the etiology of selective mutism.

Students sitting near me

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 5 Selective mutism and my high school years

Students sitting near me

* * * * * * * * * *

I was promoted to the sophomore. As I wrote my previous post, my desk was in the corner of the classroom.

Students sitting near me was S and M.



S was a boy sitting in front of me. M was a girl sitting next to me. M was my former female classmate. When she and I were in the sixth grade, there was a rumor that she loved me.

At first, I was mute. I didn't talk to anyone. But some time later, S talked to me. I replied in a low voice. As it was the start of the school year, I had drive to speak. And the episode shows I began to overcome selective mutism. We continued to do such things. We gradually become close to each other. I also become close to Z, a friend of S. But I consistently had a passive attitude toward them. I didn't think they were my friends.

On the other hand, I didn't talk to M. Neither did M. But I occasionally asked her to show her textbook with her, because I sometimes forgot my textbooks. One day I thanked her for showing her textbook to me with my awkward way of speaking. M said with sparkling eyes, "Uun, betsu ni. (You're welcome.)" Then she suddenly grasped a friend of her by the arm and dashed out of the classroom very delightedly.

She looked odd when it comes to me.

When I talked to S, I sometimes smiled. M wanted to watch me smiling, probably because when she and I were the same class in elementary school, my selective mutism was so severe that I didn't smile at school. So, when I smiled, M sometimes looked at me. But I didn't want her to see smiling for some reason. When she looked at me, I quickly changed my expression.

(To be continued)

Index of SM story