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Chapter 5 Selective mutism and my high school years
Must I overcome selective mutism?
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[Regular exam]
My long-term goal was to enter a prestigious college. In order to achieve the goal, at the very least I had to get good grade in regular exam.
I achieved the goal to some extent. I was almost always second or third in my class (about 40 students were in my class). But I could hardly get the top marks. At the top was almost always A, the most beautiful girl in my class. So, one of my goal became to get higher mark than A in regular exam.
Before long A and I got acquainted with each other. I couldn't talk to A since I had selective mutism, but A talked to me. I made friends with her.
[Must I overcome selective mutism?]
When I was sophomore, I became a little wiser.
I wondered whether I should overcome selective mutism (I didn't know selective mutism at that time. I thought I couldn't speak because of my personality. So, to me, overcoming selective mutism meant changing my personality).
It may be odd, but many classmates and teachers had liked me because I had been mute. In addition, as I wrote earlier, I thought my mutism was an identity. So, it was fearful for me to overcome selective mutism. Disappearing mutism meant I lose my identity.
Anyway, I thought I could not afford to overcome selective mutism. I was very busy to study to pass the entrance exam for college.
(To be continued)
Index of SM story
